- There is no escaping the relationship.
- How is he allowed to continue the abuse.
- We deserve better.
I never thought it would happen to me. I never thought I would be in an abusive and toxic relationship as bad as this. I thought I was too smart. I thought I knew all of the signs. I thought I was too crafty. But I am in the middle of a toxic relationship and I can’t escape. I have tried, but he is like a stalker. He is everywhere. He has no boundaries. He has no conscience. “He” is the President of the United States.
To make matters worse, I didn’t ask to be in this relationship. It just found me. Well, maybe I did to a degree. I didn’t vote for him, but I also didn’t vote for the other candidate. My vote was a write in/protest vote. That didn’t turn out too well. I would have probably been in another toxic relationship if the other candidate won too, but this one feels SO bad.
I knew he was trouble, but I had no idea. I am lied to every single day. He attempts to manipulate my very reality. I am not a stupid person yet I am being talked down to and my intelligence is being insulted on a daily basis. He tells me things I know are not true, yet he is so brazen about it. I am not sure if he believes his lies or if he is that disturbed. Both options are incredibly distressful to me.
You see, just like any toxic relationship, he has some sort of power over me simply based on his position. But I can’t leave this relationship. It is like an arranged marriage where I have no say so. As much as I try, I can’t escape his abuse. He is everywhere. I do not want to totally ignore the news as I want to stay informed and knowledgeable about the world. But he is all consuming in the media, which he probably should be.
Maybe that’s what he wants—is for me to go away and to become totally disengaged so he can do whatever he wants. So for that reason, I stay engaged. But it is brutal. Everything within me knows what he is doing is wrong. Yet he is allowed to do it. All of the work I have done on myself to be emotionally healthy and stable is tested by him daily.
I’ve always understood how an individual can be disturbed. It happens. Mental health issues are something everyone struggles with at some point in their lives. Mental health issues happen. But to have individuals allow and enable a person with obvious mental health issues to perpetrate others is a different story. These are the real perpetrators and these are the people who should feel most responsible for the abuse and the toxicity.
Sometimes I take a break. Sometimes I turn off the news and don’t open the computer. But I have to tune in at some point to stay connected with life. And he is always there. He is there like an unwanted guest. He is there like an ex that doesn’t get the hint. It is funny that whenever I get some distance from him and then see one of his tirades, tweets, falsehoods, etc., they just seem more absurd. The name calling, the playing the constant victim, the bullying…it just seems all so juvenile and ridiculous.
If he were in any other position, he should just be ignored; maybe even pitied. It is sad actually. But just like any perpetrator, the sadness has a mean side. There are real life consequences so he can’t be just ignored like a child that is acting out. But he shouldn’t be in a position to where he can’t be ignored; to where he is in a position of power to have any control over others’ lives—including mine. I want to leave him. I want to ignore him. I want to argue with him—to go toe to toe and to call him on all of his absurdities. But I can’t. And not that it would do any good. But it would, at least, empower me and make me feel I have some sense and say so in the relationship.
I wish I could argue with him and lay it all on the table. And then, when we realize that it is all for naught, I wish I could just break up with him and walk away. I would at least walk away with my head held high. I would walk away knowing that I gave him a chance, said my peace, and left with my self esteem and my sanity intact. My reality would have trumped his in my own life. He would no longer have any power over me and I would not be exposed to his games, his thought process, his name calling, his bullying, his lies, his vitriol nature, his abuse, his reality. But I am unable to do this because he is the President of the United States.
But as bad as it feels to be in this toxic and abusive relationship, it actually makes me feel very lucky. I feel lucky to be living in the United States of America. I fell lucky that this individual does have limited authority. As bad as I feel to be in this relationship, history is littered with people who were in far more toxic relationships with deranged individuals, not of their choosing, with far more real life consequences. And the situation is not confined to history.
Abusive and corrupt leaders are alive and well today in far too many places on earth. The horror that is pervasive in other countries should give us all reason to pause. We should feel grateful to be a part of this great nation, but we should also understand history and we should not take the current situation lightly as it is testing the very boundaries of our forefathers’ brilliance and imagination.
So until we as a nation figure the current situation out, I will go about my life, with him in the living room spilling his lies and manipulations, knowing that I am right, knowing that my reality is the right one, knowing that this life will have challenges, believing the good of human nature will triumph, and waiting for my uninvited guest to leave. He will disappear one day in to obscurity and in misery just like all toxic people eventually do. One day I will never have to hear from my ex again aside from a sad, irrelevant tweet.