Dear Homeowners Association,
I would like to report that I mowed my yard today and got my grass down from the previous four inches to below the required three inches as stated in the HOA manual. My apologies—I didn’t think the lawn needed to be mowed in February, but I guess global warming will have that effect. But thank you for your lovely letter threatening legal action. While I must say the prospect of two years in prison certainly got my attention, I would suggest that threatening to deport my mother was a bit much—despite the fact our family has been here since 1652. Actually, she has a small amount of America Indian in her so if she is deported, I would recommend she be deported to a nearby reservation…or better yet, if you really want to play hard ball, her family was here long before yours, so maybe she can just stay put. Or if we want to go down your road of logic, perhaps you can just move elsewhere. After all, she was here first. But I digress.