If I Wasn’t Afraid to Say What I Really Wanted to Say…

  • If I weren’t afraid to say what I really wanted to say...
  • If I didn’t care what you’d think of me, or my message…
  • Do you know what I’d say?

If I weren’t afraid to say what I really wanted to say…

If I didn’t care what you’d think of me, or my message…

Do you know what I’d say?

I don’t even know if it’s a legitimate question.

Because so much of what I want to say has to do with your being able to hear it.

To grow from it.

To change from it.

So what good would it do to simply splatter you with my unbridled opinions?

To make me feel good?

To have some sort of orgiastic release?

I don’t even know if it’s a legitimate question.

No, thank you.

Still, there remains that nagging feeling.

It’s my very self-consciousness. Or, my consciousness of how I’ll be perceived, rather than what I want to say. That puts up a barrier of artifice that keep my words from penetrating your soul.

So, again, If I weren’t afraid to say what I really wanted to say…

If I didn’t care what you’d think of me, or my message…

I would tell you…that I am just as stuck as you are.

I’m just as held back from living life full out, following fiercely my fondest dreams.

I would tell you…that I am just as stuck as you are.

From relating to each of you as a precious soul. From aiming every thought, word, action, and encounter to eternity.

If there is any difference between us, it’s only that I know it and maybe you don’t.

Or maybe you know it too.

But it doesn’t bother you as much as it does me.

Or maybe you think it’s a nice, but impractical or unrealistic dream.

I can’t get away with that.

I could back when things like ‘eternity’, ‘soul’, ‘deepest need’ were just poetic, theoretical terms. The stuff of predawn spacey speculations under the influence.

To be slept off and promptly set aside until the next party, or term paper in need of metaphysical filler.

But lately (and by lately I mean the last thirty years, or so), since these terms have become so well-defined; as much a part of my working conceptual lexicon as red, white, or peas.

I have to face them as not only real, but as realer than what’s before my eyes.

I have to face them, and I have to face myself in terms of them.

Or, as they like to say in these parts, ‘Where am I holding?’

Back when things like ‘eternity’, ‘soul’, ‘deepest need’ were just poetic, theoretical terms. The stuff of predawn spacey speculations under the influence.

It’s so easy to be caught up in the here and now quo here and now.

And not the here and now as moments to fix into eternity.

Just float away on a cloud of youth, a cloud of trends and currents, a cloud of daily grind, or a social (live or virtual) swirl.

Why do I even care?

What you do.

Or what you think?

I think that because not to would be the ultimate cruelty. The ultimate heartlessness.

Because – it’s coming to me finally – what I want to say is:

There’s a map.

There’s map that includes every single thing in the world, in the psyche, in the future, past, and present.

Everything in the macro, in the micro, in the heart, mind, and soul.

A map that defines every situation you’re in, or situation that’s in you.

That spells out your options, and tells you where they lead.

A paradigm I’ve been watching, testing, exploring, and alternatively embracing and fleeing (sometimes many times each in a day) for the last thirty years, or so.

And it plays out, way, way too often to be chance.

There’s a map that defines every situation you’re in, or situation that’s in you.

There is a map of reality.

That’s what I want you to know.

Because without it, even the best of navigators flies in circles, and is bound to crash and burn – usually without even knowing it. (Until they do.)

I want you to know about this map.

It’s my job to try to tell you about this map. That’s why I was created.

And it’s a hell of a hard sell.

You wouldn’t think so, but it is.

First of all, who says I’m telling the truth?

And if I’m not maliciously making it up, maybe I’m just deluded?

Another philosophy pusher.

And even, and even, if what I’m saying’s true.

People really don’t want there to be a map.

Because without a map, I can simply go wherever I feel like.

That seems much easier, much more fun.

It might be for that sweet spot of youth, say from 17 to 27 – give or take a few years.

For the extra rich, good-looking, or energetic, maybe a decade or so longer.

And then?

And this all assumes that fun and easy is the point of it all.

The main problem with a map is that it narrows one’s (perceived) options.

Until it showed me that Rome was to the west, I could imagine it to be north, east, or south. Up or down. Or maybe right…here.

And no one could blame me for setting out in any of those directions – even if I never got there.

After all, there’s no map.

But there IS a map.

There IS, there IS, there IS.

Will you care a whit about me or my message? I don’t know.

There’s a map and (even worse) there’s a destination.

This life is a leg of a journey.

A very important leg, and a very specific journey.

A treasure hunt, if you will.

A treasure map and a treasure hunt.

Or, better, a hunt for the tools and currency needed for the journey’s next leg.

To arrive there well equipped and with pockets full, is bliss.

To get there unprepared is…anti-bliss.

And there’s no ‘dealing with it when I get there’. There’s no making any deals at all.

After all, we had a map.

So, I said it.

Will you listen?

Will you care a whit about me or my message?

I don’t know.

But I’ve said it.

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soul foodie

Nesanel Yoel Safran is writer, chef and spiritual explorer. His writings range from the wisdom of Torah and Kabbalah, and Twelve Step Recovery, to offbeat humor and practical kitchen tips. Nesanel has been involved in life counseling for many years, mentoring others to overcome hurdles of destructive habits, relationship crises, mood issues, low motivation, etc. Nesanel believes that healing ultimately is rooted in a re-invigoration and re-centering of one's spiritual life.  You can visit him at his blog: Soul Foodie

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